Missing Out

My nephew, a high school senior, qualified for state in his sport of choice.  I’d love to be there, cheering for him.  But I am home.  Missing out.

The irony is that I’m feeling better than I did last winter.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty tough, but I kept going. We travelled, had company, had fun. Collapsed. It was hard, but I figured that’s what my RA life would be like.  Then I added a second DMARD in February, and with it on board I’m much improved.  Before, things had to keep running as if nothing was wrong.  Now that things are improving, I get to stay home and relax.  Somehow that seems a little backwards.

Attendance at today’s event would have required a three hour car ride, a day in the hot sunshine, and another three-hour trip home.  I would have gone, slathered on the sunscreen, hidden in the shade if possible, put a smile on my face, and made the best of it.  Naps in the car for the bulk of the driving time would ease the trip.  But my husband knows me all too well and suggested that I stay home.

Last week he yelled at me said, “You try to hide it from me, but I can tell you haven’t been feeling well. I’m not stupid!”  Of course I try to hide it from him.  Nobody wants to hear someone complaining all the time.  We don’t need excuses as to why things don’t get done.  The jobs are still here, whether I feel up to doing them or not.  If I lay around feeling sorry for myself, I still feel crummy and I’m bugged by all the things that need to be done.  When I force myself to do what needs to be done, regardless of how I feel, at least there’s something positive that results!  What would be the point in constantly verbalizing how awful this disease is?

It feels so weird to have everyone gone and me here.  We’re a family.  We do things together.

So I’m trying to make the best of it.  I don’t often get time to myself.  A long soak in the jetted tub was a great way to start.  Usually, someone comes looking for me after twenty minutes, so a two-hour jacuzzi was a rare treat.  Later I stretched out on my bed and finished a book I’d borrowed from the library.  I’ve had a wonderful day, and it’s only half gone.  And while part of me wishes that I was with my family, part of me is grateful for the day I have to relax.  Tomorrow, instead of being wiped out, I’ll be refreshed.  We’ll have tomorrow as a family, and I’ll have the energy to participate in the fun.  Always aim for positive spin!

Good luck, nephew!